The Shrine of Unitas

First the "Fiscal Cliff"...in February, "Sequestration"...and at the end of March, we have a budget deadline that could shut down the government if left unresolved.

All in favor of renaming Congress the Crisis of the Month Club?

Happenstance goblins activate your FACE when the Bolivian Whalesnake unlimitedizes your brains into oblivion. Livestock cannon implosions rock the rockers in rocking chairs till the tills ring up your cherry tree, I cannot tell a lie, let sleeping dogs lie, liar, liar, pants on WATER YOU DOING OH SHIT IT'S AN OCEAN PUN OCEAN'S ELEVEN PUNS that's too many puns TIME TO DO SOME PUN WEEDING. I am the humor gardener, FUNNY LANDSCAPING FOR ALL until the sun sets and the moon sets and the stars set and the set piece sets movie set lights camera ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF EXISTENCE'S HORRORSCAPE oh God, I am never eating that many chocolate-covered espresso beans at once ever again QUALCOMM PANTY RAID NARCISSISTS!









PIZZA SQUID

In honor of the Super Bowl victory, I present to you a 2,000-point, all-Ravenwing Dark Angels list. The Ravenwing is a fast, hard-hitting company of the Dark Angels Space Marines, composed of Space Marines riding Bikes or Attack Bikes, or else piloting Land Speeders or atmospheric fighters.

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EDGAR ALLAN POW

HQ

Sammael, Grand Master of the Ravenwing, on Corvex: 200 points

Sammael's Ravenwing Command Squad--Company Champion with Blade of Caliban and Plasma Talon; Standard Bearer with Standard of Devastation, Corvus Hammer, and Ravenwing Grenade Launcher; and Apothecary with Corvus Hammer and Plasma Talon: 220 points

Troops

6 Ravenwing Bikers with Plasma Gun, Flamer, and Sergeant's Lightning Claw and Melta Bombs; a Multi-Melta Attack Bike; and a Land Speeder Typhoon: 331 points [Combat Squads.]

6 Ravenwing Bikers with Plasma Gun, Flamer, and Sergeant's Melta Bombs; a Multi-Melta Attack Bike; and a Land Speeder Typhoon: 316 points [Combat Squads.]

6 Ravenwing Bikers with Plasma Gun, Flamer, and Sergeant's Melta Bombs; a Multi-Melta Attack Bike; and a Land Speeder Typhoon: 316 points [Combat Squads.]

Fast Attack

6 Ravenwing Black Knights with Corvus Hammers, 4 Plasma Talons, 2 Ravenwing Grenade Launchers, and Huntmaster's Melta Bombs: 257 points

Nephilim Jetfighter with Twin-Linked Lascannons: 180 points [Flyer Reserve.]

Nephilim Jetfighter with Twin-Linked Lascannons: 180 points [Flyer Reserve.]

TOTAL: 2,000 POINTS

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My strategy, condensed to leave out advanced details:

Every unit but the three Land Speeders (and the Jetfighters in reserve, obviously) lines up at the edge of my deployment zone, uses the Scout move, and then bum-rushes my opponent's forces in an effort to catch them wrong-footed. The Land Speeders Typhoon are equipped with long-ranged missile launchers, so they hang back, try to stay out of line-of-sight of the enemy's larger weapons, and shower light vehicles and hordes alike with PREPOSTEROUS AMOUNTS OF MISSILES. When the Jetfighters arrive, they will hunt for enemy Flyers before turning their attention upon ground targets.

I like making lists waaaaaay too much.

I will never go on that site. Call me paranoid, but I have a feeling that it came into being when someone in the government asked "Why make up a list of undesirables when we can trick the undesirables into making one themselves?"

...we are ascendant.

That one was for you, Ray.

Ray Lewis's antler-related affliction is not the result of a fey bargain, as I had feared. It just so happened that the deer antler supplement he took was made on a day when a ley line breach erupted in the vicinity of the factory. Very nice of the Conclave of Mages' representative, Velroth the Only-Mildly-Eccentric, to come down from Seattle and diagnose the problem. Velroth assures us that Ray will be antler-free and ready to go by Sunday.

Emerging reports have it that Ray Lewis ingested a large quantity of "deer velvet" in an effort to recover from his triceps injury faster than normal. Our scientists assure me that the substance has no real effect on the recovery process, but it would seem that an overdose produces deleterious side effects. Lewis has sprouted an enormous set of antlers and is now stalking Bourbon Street, charging anything that appears threatening to him.

More on this story as it develops.

I don't want to spend three and a half hours with my heart up in my sinus cavity, so I'm just going to check on it every so often and hope for the best.

I really do hope we win, though. Three AFC Championships in five years? If we lose this one, we'll be like the Eagles...except that we've won a Super Bowl, but still.

Baltimore has redeemed itself before Unitas at long last. In response to our removal of Indianapolis from the playoffs, the Unitan Council of High Priests has declared the Grudge against our former team and its city officially over. No longer must we Baltimoreans refer to that team by such epithets as "the Betrayers" and "the Mayflower Compact" if we wish to remain pure in the Golden Arm's sight. We may now call that team by its name--the Colts--if we so choose.

I have mixed feelings. After so many years of indoctrination in bitterness and hatred toward the Colts, I don't think I can set aside the Grudge easily. Nevertheless, in a League that seems more and more fractured by the minute, I take this development as a beacon of hope. If even Ravens fans and Colts fans can unite, perhaps we can forge a brighter future for the League after all.

Next week, we play Peyton Manning. In Denver. I don't expect to win, but hopefully, we can make a game of it.

TIME UP!

THIS YEAR'S WINNER IS: PSY!

2ND: BARACK OBAMA

3RD: ELI MANNING

4TH: AUNG SAN SUU KYI

Thanks for playing Super Smash Years. The next round ends at midnight of the next New Year's Day.

Welcome to 2013! Happy New Year!

(Honorable Mention: The Clemson Tigers, who just pulled off a titanic upset of LSU. What a game!)